your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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