that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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