I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
