I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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