I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
