wrigley field is MILF paradise
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
