i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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