He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
