Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Barsexuality is the new black.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize