Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Randomize
