There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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