i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize