My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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