giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
