Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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