Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
did i walk over a car last night?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Randomize
