Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
