Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
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