i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
