We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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