Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I love you. Go after that dick
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
