i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
