i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
