this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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