Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize