Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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