So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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