you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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