Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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