apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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