my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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