My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
