if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
