her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
