i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
