I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Operation Purity has been aborted
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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