Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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