I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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