I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
