Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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