If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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