I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Randomize
