just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
