true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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