i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
