You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
