Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
