I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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