FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Randomize
