nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
