he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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