Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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