im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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