The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize