Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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