Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I would ride that face into the sunset
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
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