My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
