Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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