every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I think I won the penis lottery.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
