nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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