You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
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