Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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