physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
