ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
