dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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