so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
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