Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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