Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize
