I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I need to sanitize my soul.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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