I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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