who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
