Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
