I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
