what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
