Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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