i need an iv and a liver transplant
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
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