oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Randomize
