I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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