Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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