Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
