We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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